How to Thrive in 2021: Life Lesson From Phoenix Normand

Ever wake up and realize your life has gone down a path you never intended?

Worse, ever realize that you just don't like yourself anymore? Realizing you allowed your hopes and dreams to be sidelined or co-opted because you were chasing compensation or "sub-lebrity?" Being forced to accept that your ego and ambitions were far larger than the shoes in your actual size? Realizing that your lack of success at relationships had more to do with you than your propensity to attract paramours who weren't "at your level." Essentially, coming to the realization that your life sucks, your situations suck, and you've consistently made stupid decisions in business and romance because you weaponized your niceness only to be taken advantage of. ..repeatedly.

2020 and 2021 have provided every left, right, uppercut, and frying pan to the back of the head possible. Like many reading this, I fell victim to the hubris provided by the numerous social media platforms we all live on. I'd watched and imbibed every YouTube I could on how to become an influencer and to go from "who TF are you?" to "guru" in record time. And for the most part, I did. I count myself as one of the top advocates and experts in the EA advocacy and education space. And I achieved that in record time. But at a cost.

Differentiation Collateral Damage

Let's be frank. I came out swinging. I took on many in my profession with a DGAF attitude, some borderline offensive and disrespectful language and accusations, and proceeded to quickly make a number of enemies. Sure, I didn't agree with some of the practices of those who came before me and my methods, though controversial, have helped scores of EAs grow their individual wealth, respect, and opportunity in their careers. But, my approach upon reflection was dickish and unnecessary. I already had the relevant experience, expertise, and pedigree. I had already worked for some of the most influential CEOs on the planet and taken really good notes. I already possessed everything I needed to build the ardent, loyal audience I currently have without coming for the necks of my competitors. Yet I coat-checked my soul and "what my Mama taught me," prioritized my YouTube gurus' words over my own, innate comportment and started setting fires throughout the community. And one day I woke up and realized that while it was a very effective approach, it didn't represent who I was.

I don't make enemies. In fact, I'm a peacemaking Cancerian by nature. I detest arguments and fighting and avoid them like the plague because I grew up largely in environments where that sort of thing happened all the time. The shitty thing about socials is once you commit to an approach you kinda can't change direction. At least not easily. Once people start drinking your particular brand of Kool-Aid, it's essentially social suicide to switch up the flavor.

Life Lessons from Paris Hilton

I recently watched (and 3x re-watched) the movie The American Meme which profiled a number of social media celebrities including Paris Hilton, The Fat Jewish, Emily Ratajkowski, DJ Khaled, Kirill Bichutsky (uck!), and Hailey Baldwin-Bieber. It was a rather eye-opening movie about the ups and downs of social media fame and how quickly your fortune, relevance, and appeal can shift based on the whims of the public and your poor choices. We all know the Paris Hilton story, unless you've been living under a rock. She went from it girl to pariah in literally the time for her whack-ass ex to sell a 30-second sex tape to the media. Now, I was never a big Paris Hilton fan. I found her vapid, annoying, and opportunistic. However, I was still captivated by her success for (on paper) having little-to-no actual talent. And therein lies my point.

While her approach may have been, well, whack AF, she's actually a very intelligent and cunning businesswoman. She realized her image sells. Her colloquialisms sell. Her partnerships with other celebrities and influencers sell. And she, too often had to check her soul at coatcheck in order to achieve certain objectives...which eventually bit her in the ass once that sex tape took her down a peg in the eyes of the public.

I'm a huge sucker for triumph-over-disaster stories. Lord knows I've had a few of my own, just not as public and fancy as a Paris Hilton's. She was essentially made into a pariah, laughed at, discounted, and excommunicated via decree from the court of public opinion. She did what the disgraced do on social. Disappear. Assess. Rediscover humility and grace. And reintroduced herself as a new-and-improved version having learned her lesson, fulfilled her penance, and genuinely re-emerge and put herself out there ready to accept any judgment that still remained. Paris come out swinging with that super controversial Arby's commercial that was deemed too sexy for television. Many of you will look at that as, "She, clearly, didn't learn her lesson." But, not so fast. She's a master of social, remember. Given how people already saw and maligned her for years, she leveraged the negative and created a positive for herself that no one can deny. She, now, controlled the narrative of her sexuality and was able to do it with a type of integrity many rarely achieve. Sure, many of you may not agree with the approach. But I can say, unequivocally, that she won the war by literally embodying: "Don't hate the playah, hate the game."

Paris knew she'd essentially cooked her goose with her American audience. But she was also hyper aware of the global wonder and appeal she had created over the years. Americans are fickle AF. However, fans in other parts of the world are less so. In short, Paris Hilton is now worth billions thanks to over 50 products lines she sells throughout the UAE and Asia. Absolutely nothing she could have done in the United States after all of the scandal could have netted her the type of money she's making right now. And the beauty of her success is that her scandals actually led to the success she now enjoys. She's quieter, more humble, and more discerning with her moves in the States. She's a fricken DJ now who sells out everywhere she spins overseas less due to her talent as a DJ and more due to her beign able to successfully leverage her immense celebrity.

So where am I going with all of this?

Let me bring it back to my life and experience. While I don't have any major scandal to report, I can readily admit that I got a little too far over my skis and face planted right into the snow. I realize I had created enemies in my community. I had people flat out call me "mean" and "scary" and purposely avoid commenting on my posts for fear of association with me even though they wholeheartedly agreed with 99% of what I had to say. Is that success? Are those the reactions I was innately looking for as an advocate of a profession already struggling with relevance and respect?

The sucky part about being a public figure is that you're not allowed to have a bad day. You're not allowed to be depressed or feel hopeless or simply bow out or bounce. At least that's the bullshit social media will brainwash you into believing. And I had long since tossed my chopsticks for a big-ass serving spoon ages ago. But I got to a point where my inner voice started being just a bit louder than the voices of the gurus and influencers I followed. I got to a point where the more time I spent self-assessing became more valuable than the hours of their glitzy YouTube content. And I quickly realized, I'd been had and allowed myself to be duped into blazing a path that didn't align with who I actually was. A kind yet frank, funny yet honest, empathic yet tough love-ing guy with a lot of really good, cogent advice that magically made everyone who listened incrementally more effective and confident. That was my superpower. Not being a dick.

My Self-Divorce

I'm sure many of you are rolling your eyes when I say "I divorced myself." And while I could spend the rest of this article trying to explain this process in great detail, I'll just say this. I assessed myself, my voice, my intentions, and my approach like crazy. I began deleting certain habits and propensities from my life that didn't serve my why and overall purpose. And I started the process of divorcing my ego and humbling myself in a very deep and blatantly honest way. I almost rolled it all the way back to reintroducing myself with my legal name. But, let's not go crazy here. It took awhile to create "Phoenix Normand" and I'm not about to hit the world with "LaGerald" and essentially relive all the trauma I suffered throughout grade school and beyond with people absolutely butchering my name. I'd rather die. Not even kidding.

My self-divorce allowed me something I've always struggled to grant myself: forgiveness. Like many of you, I'm incredibly hard on myself. I'm a classic over-achiever. I'm super competitive. I'm borderline obsessive compulsive. And I always have to throw the first punch if someone comes for me. A really good friend of mine did me a tremendous favor recently by smacking me upside the head with the most fantastic iron skillet of a quote: "Hurt people hurt people." That was literally one of those life-changing things you hear from the unlikeliest of sources that stops you in your tracks, strips all your cool down to your ankles, and forces you into a self-assessment of epic proportions. For months that quote haunted me and forced me into a rather dark place because I realized that my bravado and self-confidence was likely due to being hurt repeatedly and from decades of building a rather thick, impermeable skin in a profession that required it.

So, I made a vow to consciously divorce myself from my past and grant myself some long-overdue forgiveness. Sorry, I'm not going to provide you some magical process or blueprint to do this for yourself. It's a very personal thing that took a minute, a lot of tears, a lot of anger, and a lot of forgiveness for those who f*cked me over and for myself for allowing myself to be f*cked over. And once I got to the point where some semblance of self-love began to flower, I focused on humility and championing that in my life. I realized that the platform I have is a gift, a privilege, and a tremendous responsibility. I vowed to always be as transparent as I could to hopefully debunk much of the BS we're fed by the numerous gurus on this and other platforms with a type of honesty that's the antithesis of the faux bravado I came onto the scene with. To be clear, I've always been authentic with the information I've provided. However, I can readily admit that my approach wasn't authentic or completely aligned with who I truly am inside. And for that I sincerely apologize, especially if anyone was hurt or triggered by my approach. Trust me, Miss Karma has already made her rounds by my house. Lessons learned. Karma paid in full, C.O.D.

Yep, I Married Myself

I'm one of those weirdos whose come to the conclusion that at 51 years old, I will likely live the rest of my life and die as a single person. It's not that I feel that I don't deserve or will never find love. Trust me, I've had a couple of long-term relationships (even a perfectly-executed marriage proposal) that have provided me so many incredible memories and a complete sense of being loved that will sustain me until my last breath is drawn. But a few years ago I made a promise to myself (a proposal, really) to focus on loving myself and not conflating love and societal pressure and love and lust. It's a business platform so I'll keep it classy. Let's just say that I'd fallen into a pattern of consistently bad loves and allowed my focus to be pulled and co-opted by people who truly didn't deserve it. Life is weird like that. You truly don't know until you know. And the many abuses I'd endured as a child manifested in my personal relationships which negatively impacted my success in business over the years. I'm convinced of it.

So after years of becoming quite comfortable being single, and successfully completing a ton of internal work through therapy, something I avoided until my 40s, I decided to take the plunge and make the ultimate commitment to myself: Marriage. To ME. Let that be uncomfortable.

The reason I bring this up is to point out a trend I've seen for years as a personal success coach. People simply don't know themselves anymore. Many don't love themselves or even know how to spend any extended period of time alone without reaching for the phone to imbibe or force some relevance on social. Many couldn't confidently go to a restaurant alone and vow to not pick up their phone once, simply enjoy a meal and observe other patrons. And that was before COVID-19 hit. Once COVID hit, many were forced into solitude and some serious self-realization. And the decline in aggregate, global mental health began. Many flipped the f*ck out. Many turned to drugs and alcohol. Many realized they were in loveless, unsupportive marriages and finally pulled the trigger on getting a divorce. And many simply fell into a low-grade depression, put their heads down, and are managing that decline as best they can until, hopefully, some sense of normalcy returns.

I married myself on Christmas Day of 2020. No fanfare. No grand announcement on social. (In fact, this is the first). I purchased myself the ring I had always wanted someone else to slide onto my finger. I had no ceremony, only a long, deep meditation session filled with love, hope, tears of joy and accomplishment, and a promise to always be true to who I am. And that was it. My ring is a constant reminder to be authentic, empathetic, transparent, and to know that the love I have for myself and my Higher Power will never again be eclipsed by the love I have for anyone else. And, truthfully, I have never felt so empowered and free in my entire life. I feel unstoppable personally and professionally because I'm more compelled to do what's innate and default to what I'm passionate about instead of falling victim to the expectations of others or trying to compete with others' journeys and measures of success. I define my success now. No one else. And it's the most powerful feeling I've experienced in decades.

In Conclusion

I make no apologies for this article. Sure, it's not super business-y. However, I'm a firm believer that success in business starts with truly mastering, knowing, and loving yourself. I can't tell you how many CEOs I've supported who are easily the least self-aware people I've ever met. How many who have never resolved the various hurts in their lives and pasts, yet perpetuate that hurt and negatively impact those who work with them and actually on their side. COVID has provided us all with an amazing opportunity for some major self-assessment and realignment. I believe everyone on the planet should seek out a mental health professional and commit two months to really diving into the collateral damage of the past 10 months. As much as we may believe we're okay I can say, without hesitation, that the majority of us are not. There is no shame in admitting that your shit kinda got f*cked up with this whole COVID thing. The challenge is to humble yourself enough to actually use that mental health perk that's part of your company insurance plan, make the appointment, and commit to doing the work. Those who do will thrive. I'm proof. Those who try and "get on with it" and continue kicking the can down the road will hurt people. Especially themselves in their hubris.

I'm not saying you need to go to the extreme of marrying yourself. But, honestly, why not? Even if you're already happily married, make a similar lifetime commitment to yourself to always put the love of self and your Higher Power above all other love in your life. The rest is icing and a privilege.