Why I Thought I Couldn't Trust You - And How I Made That Mistake

Why I Thought I Couldn't Trust You - And How I Made That Mistake

Knowing whom to trust is an important social and business skill. But it’s not that simple - although it is fast. It took me only seven seconds to assess your confidence, competence, status, likeability, warmth, and, yes, your trustworthiness.

You can’t stop me (or anyone, for that matter) from making these snap decisions. The human brain is wired that way.

Whenever we meet new people, our brain automatically and immediately begins to categorize them in some way – male or female, same or different, friend or foe – in order to predict what is likely to happen next. Because few of us have the mental agility to consciously perceive and process all the factors needed to make these calculations, we rely on estimates, or guesses, based on our past experiences and preconceptions. While these mental shortcuts work reasonably well most of the time, they also leave us vulnerable to a variety of judgment traps.

When I decided not to trust you, my snap judgement was influenced by the category I put you in and the traits I assigned to that category. In your case, I labeled you as untrustworthy for five reasons - none of which had anything to do with your actual trustworthiness.

1. You Weren’t Like Me

There is a well-known principle in social psychology that people define themselves in terms of social groupings: Any group that people feel part of is an “in-group” and any group that excludes them an “out-group.” (You know, it’s the “us” and “them” division.)

Similarities make us feel comfortable. We assume we know what in-group people are like – they’re good people, like we are. Differences, on the other hand, make us a little wary. When we see people as part of an out-group, we are more likely to judge them as untrustworthy.

Because you didn’t remind me of myself, I saw you as part of the less trustworthy out-group.

2. You Behaved Suspiciously

We all have a tendency to make judgments about another person’s integrity based on our ideas of appropriate behavior. This shows up in lie detection when we believe that we know how we’d act if we were telling the truth – and that other truthful people would/should behave the same way.

You didn’t act the way I would when we met. When you said you were happy to meet me, you didn’t smile or offer to shake my hand. Because of this off-putting behavior, I became suspicious of your motives.

3. You Had Low Eyebrows

By studying people’s reactions to a range of artificially generated faces, researchers in Princeton’s psychology department found that faces with high inner eyebrows, pronounced cheekbones, and a wide chin struck people as trustworthy. Conversely, faces with low inner brows, shallow cheekbones and a thin chin were deemed untrustworthy.

Of course, I realize that eyebrow shapes and cheekbone prominence have no relationship with trustworthiness. But the moment I saw you, I unconsciously overrode my rational mind to make this instinctive judgment.

4. You Didn’t Make Eye Contact

The biggest body language myth about deception is that liars avoid eye contact. While it’s true that some liars find it difficult to lie while looking you in the eyes, other liars, especially the most brazen, actually overcompensate to "prove" that they are being truthful by making strong, direct eye contact and holding it steadily.

You may have been shy, or an introvert, or from a culture in which direct eye contact is considered intimidating or impolite. But all I noticed was that you didn’t look at me when you spoke, and that made me think you were being deceptive or, at least, not authentically invested in what you were saying.

5. You Had Your Hands in Your Pockets

Hand and arm gestures are not only an adjunct to speech; gesturing may have been our oldest method of communication. Researchers now believe that early humans communicated using a form of mime. Somewhere in our evolutionary history speech took over from gesture as the main form of communication, but gesture still retains its power as illustrators and trust indicators.

While I would have evaluated your open palm gestures as a nonverbal signal that you had nothing to hide, your concealed hands made it difficult for me to trust you.

But now that I know you, I see that you are candid, honest, and highly trustworthy. I’ve learned that deciding whether or not to trust someone by the initial impression they make, is a process that can, and often should, be revised.

Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D., is an international keynote speaker and leadership presence coach. She's the author of "The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help - or Hurt How You Lead" and creator of LinkedInLearning's #1 video series for 2017: "Body Language for Leaders." #Workplace Communication #LinkedInLearning #bodylanguage #trust

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  • Chloe Moxham

    Never judge a book by its cover

  • Will Vito

    Thanks for sharing your experience with us

  • Thomas Fox

    Brillant read

  • Clara Megson

    Thought provoking read

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Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D.

Leadership Expert

Carol is an international keynote speaker at conferences, business organizations, government agencies, and universities. She addresses a variety of leadership issues, but specializes in helping leaders build their impact and influence skills for fostering collaboration, building trust, and projecting that illusive quality called "leadership presence." She is the author of "STAND OUT: How to Build Your Leadership Presence." and the creator of LinkedIn Learning's video course, "Body Language for Leaders." Carol completed her doctorate in the United States. She can be reached at http://CarolKinseyGoman.com

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